Passion
I have a slightly obsessive personality. I very rarely just like things. Either I throw myself into it with undiluted pure passion or I am completely not bothered. I guess the easiest way to explain it, is that I am geek about things I love. I don't just watched films, I have to read internet sites to see what director is making what film at which studio with which actor. I don't just know actors like Tom Cruise and Colin Farrell, but follow the careers of Philip Seymour Hoffman and Steve Buscemi. As a snowboarder, I buy magazines and read about the new technology coming out each season, scouring the net for next years models. I buy clothes from labels I like - Bape, Futura Laborotories, Headporter, Visvim, Recon, MHI. I buy magazines about which games are coming out in advance for the 360, I preorder games - hell I picked my XBox 360 up at 7 am in the morning on release day and had the day off from work so I could play all day with my friends. I don't buy the odd CD when it comes to music - I have over 3000 vinyl records. I don't just find things I think are ok and dabble in them - I immerse myself in my interests.
I have tried to work out why I have such an addictive personality and I suppose it is because, and I hang my head in shame when I say this, I have a bit of emo in me. Not that I dress in black and self harm, but that as a kid I couldn't understand the suffering I saw around me. As a teenager I would see what was going on in the world from the wars, to the homeless, to the physical and mental abuse people suffered. Mans injustice to man. And it pained me. I hate to see my friends in pain and I am always the first to try to help. I have a good ear. This used to be amplified to encompass all of the wrongs I saw and read about. I consumed thousands of books dabbling in different philosophies, religion, ideologies, looking for that cure for humanity. The one simple solution so that people didn't have to live in poverty both physically and emotionally. I guess this is one of the main reasons I got into Hip Hop so much. I loved the conscious side of Hip Hop, groups talking about injustice.
And then I came to a horrible realisation - there was no cure. No one simple solution to it all. All of that passion and empathy which drove me on to seek knowledge was for nothing. I couldn't change the world. People like Che Guevera and Karl Marx had convictions and were willing to sacrifice all to enforce their beliefs because they believed they thought they could improve life. I had the passion but not the ideal. I decided to just make sure that I could help people the best I could. I became a good friend to have, believing that if I could help people on a small scale then maybe that could make the world just that little bit better
However I still had all of this raw emotion and passion and no where to channel it. I think this is why I am so obsessive over the things I love. That little bit of emo in me made me love music, films, comics, toys, gaming, snowboarding, dj'ing, clothes, trainers, books....
But I still feel guilty. I feel like I bailed out, that I didn't have the bravery to follow that part of my heart. That nagging feeling that maybe I could have done something.
I guess I just have to be the best person I can be and try not to hurt people along the way, but instead help the people I care about as much as I can.
I have tried to work out why I have such an addictive personality and I suppose it is because, and I hang my head in shame when I say this, I have a bit of emo in me. Not that I dress in black and self harm, but that as a kid I couldn't understand the suffering I saw around me. As a teenager I would see what was going on in the world from the wars, to the homeless, to the physical and mental abuse people suffered. Mans injustice to man. And it pained me. I hate to see my friends in pain and I am always the first to try to help. I have a good ear. This used to be amplified to encompass all of the wrongs I saw and read about. I consumed thousands of books dabbling in different philosophies, religion, ideologies, looking for that cure for humanity. The one simple solution so that people didn't have to live in poverty both physically and emotionally. I guess this is one of the main reasons I got into Hip Hop so much. I loved the conscious side of Hip Hop, groups talking about injustice.
And then I came to a horrible realisation - there was no cure. No one simple solution to it all. All of that passion and empathy which drove me on to seek knowledge was for nothing. I couldn't change the world. People like Che Guevera and Karl Marx had convictions and were willing to sacrifice all to enforce their beliefs because they believed they thought they could improve life. I had the passion but not the ideal. I decided to just make sure that I could help people the best I could. I became a good friend to have, believing that if I could help people on a small scale then maybe that could make the world just that little bit better
However I still had all of this raw emotion and passion and no where to channel it. I think this is why I am so obsessive over the things I love. That little bit of emo in me made me love music, films, comics, toys, gaming, snowboarding, dj'ing, clothes, trainers, books....
But I still feel guilty. I feel like I bailed out, that I didn't have the bravery to follow that part of my heart. That nagging feeling that maybe I could have done something.
I guess I just have to be the best person I can be and try not to hurt people along the way, but instead help the people I care about as much as I can.
posted by Tony Play at 9:17 am
2 Comments:
You haven't bailed out.
During the summer of 2003, I lived with an 81-year old Jewish-to-Catholic convert who felt intensely and passionately about social justice. I learned a lot from her that summer. There was a 'catchphrase' she liked to use to remind herself that she can't give to every charity and write letters to every editor and boycott every bureaucratic monopoly, etc. "Think globally, act locally."
Do what you can with the resources you have. You can touch so many lives that way, and the lives you touch will hopefully go one to make a difference for others. Etc etc. (It's sort of like that film - Pay It Forward.)
Anyway. Good post. :)
Thanks stephanie. Even though I am quite strong willed, everyone doubts there convictions, so it is nice to have reassurance.
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